I am sitting in a room filled with all my family and dear friends. Everyone is hovering over me as a giant birthday cake is placed directly in front of me. I have a birthday hat on and I am laughing as tons of loving hands are placing 25 candles on the cake making sure it is just perfect. My dear friend is lighting the candles, my aunts are getting the song started and sitting on my lap are my little cousins ready to help me blow the candles out. I am covered and spoiled in love. As the song starts, everyone gathers around the big long table singing at the top of their lungs- I look up and start to scan the room with adoring eyes. Beaming with joy I look at each one of these amazing important people in my life. My team. and I am saying over and over in my head “Emmy, you are so lucky. Emmy, you are so blessed”

Tears. Lots and lots of tears start to build up and the feeling of gratitude washes over me. Overwhelmed by all the love I am given every single day captures my heart and I feel whole. I feel okay. I feel so so loved. 

Still scanning with loving hands holding on tight to me as “happy birthday” is still being sung I see through the group of people HER. SHE passes through the room like a feather in the wind. No one else can see her but me. Our eyes lock. SHE gives me a huge smile with tears in her eyes and ever so sweetly nods her head-dressed all in white with her thick chocolate brown hair shining. She looks stunning and perfect. I am sitting in the chair with hands holding on tight to me and I look at her, smile and with huge tears I nod back.

and i suddenly wake up.

a dream. it was all just a dream.

That whole day guilt washed over me and shattered my fragile heart. I was upset with myself that given the chance to run to her with open arms, kiss her a billion times and tell her everything that I had somehow failed. Why? Why didn’t i get up out of the chair? Why did I not even get that feeling to suddenly spring up and sprint across the room? What divine force had stopped me?

The symbolism goes far beyond my knowledge to reason with this dream. and yet, something as simple as just a simple head nod from mum is profound. It all has significant meaning. 

Two weeks before mum passed away she requested some time alone with just me. Those moments always rocked me. She wanted often times to just stare at John and I. Take in all that we were at the age of 22. She would gaze into my eyes, rub my hand with her fragile skin and reassure me over and over that i would be ok. She was ready to go on to heaven. Her life of being sick on and off for 8 long years was no longer a life to her. She deserved to be free from this illness. She had accepted that it was her time to be called home but the hardest. most difficult. for her. for us. was the knowing that she would be leaving her family and would be missing out on so much of our lives. She was handing off her children to her family and dear friends with the knowing that we would forever be loved. taken wonderful care of. and that we were going to be ok.

Fast forward to almost 3 years and I am now 25- and she visits me in my dream. She comes to my birthday dinner, stands in the back and witnesses the love that is showered upon her daughter. She beams with such happiness. When our eyes meet, she is there to remind me that she knows more than I perhaps believe she does. She watches me every single day. She knows all about me.

Our heads nods to one another signifies acceptance. acknowledgment and reassurance of the promise she made to her daughter-

“I would be ok.”

When i didn’t get up out of my chair to run to her in that dream, and when she didn’t run to me I think what she was telling me was ” Emmy, you are ok. I know you miss me more than words can say and I wish more than anything we could be together but never forget I am always here. I watch you every single day. You are covered in so much love and that makes mummy so very happy. You have more mother’s than any girl I know. I see so much of myself in you and I see so much of all these wonderful women in you. Continue to let them guide you. They are doing your mother the greatest service which is helping raise my daughter. Listen to them. They are your brightest moons. Always remember and never forget my child of mine that your mummy knows everything about you and loves you so very much. Open your eyes and look for me. I will always be there- Emmy, please don’t forget that you are ok.”…

oh sweet mummy dearest, YOU never forget that YOU are my mother of mine.

xoxo