grieving gracefully

this is a story of darkness and light, about sorrow and joy of a loving daughters journey through grief.

3 notes

There I found myself sitting on the lawn watching my darling cousins play dolls in a tent. The sun decided to come out on a winter day. No jackets were needed. No cozy knit hats. No boots. They were in white tank tops, barefoot and leggings. With the sun beaming upon them , I watched in adoration with a huge smile stretched across my face. My brightest little lights. February had come without my knowing. It was here- and it hit me at that very moment. Where I was three years ago in February was the darkest time of my life- my mind wandered for a bit and took me back to those final weeks with mum.  February, three years ago, was the storm. The storm that came, hit me like a ton of bricks and took mum to heaven.  and then SHE jumped in my lap and hugged me for what seemed like forever. She is only four- and I have never met a child who is more empathetic of another’s feelings than my francie. She knows my fragile heart, and I know she carries part of mum’s spirit inside of her.  She was only one when mum passed- and she was our light during the storm. She was our reason to smile in the darkest hour.  I can close my eyes and still picture that little one year old toddling in the hospital room and the smile it put on mum’s face brings me to tears. Francie was unafraid of death. She had no reason to be afraid. A child is the greatest gift in sorrow. They perceive life and death in the most innocent, simplistic brilliant way.  Francie nestled in my arms as we sat on the lawn. She wanted to stay in my arms. Time stood still for a moment. I looked at her and told her that I loved her with my whole heart. She looked up and said ” and past the moon and stars?”  “Oh, yes. past the moon and stars. I will love you forever and always” She hugged me again. I told her there was something I wanted to ask her. She sat up, smiled and looked at me. I asked if she would help me send off some balloons to heaven next month for mum. She was thinking long and hard. I  told her we would dress up, buy pretty balloons and tie notes to them and let them go to heaven. “Will you help me, Francie?” Yes. I will help. You know angels have wings. They can fly everywhere. ( she looked up at the sky, spread her arms as wide as they could go) She can be everywhere like magic. “oh francie, that is beautiful. I love that. Do you think Kaky can see us right now?” i said We both looked up to the heavens. and together, we smiled with a confident “yes”  at that moment I realized that she got it. She has an understanding far beyond her years and somewhere tucked in that darling little mind are memories I know she has of mum.  and somewhere in her heart she understands my grief. SHE knows. and I hope, somewhere in her four year old heart she always knows SHE CARRIED ME THROUGH THE STORM. She saved me. xoxoxoxo

There I found myself sitting on the lawn watching my darling cousins play dolls in a tent. The sun decided to come out on a winter day. No jackets were needed. No cozy knit hats. No boots. They were in white tank tops, barefoot and leggings. With the sun beaming upon them , I watched in adoration with a huge smile stretched across my face.

My brightest little lights.

February had come without my knowing. It was here- and it hit me at that very moment. Where I was three years ago in February was the darkest time of my life- my mind wandered for a bit and took me back to those final weeks with mum. 

February, three years ago, was the storm. The storm that came, hit me like a ton of bricks and took mum to heaven. 

and then SHE jumped in my lap and hugged me for what seemed like forever. She is only four- and I have never met a child who is more empathetic of another’s feelings than my francie. She knows my fragile heart, and I know she carries part of mum’s spirit inside of her. 

She was only one when mum passed- and she was our light during the storm. She was our reason to smile in the darkest hour. 

I can close my eyes and still picture that little one year old toddling in the hospital room and the smile it put on mum’s face brings me to tears. Francie was unafraid of death. She had no reason to be afraid.

A child is the greatest gift in sorrow. They perceive life and death in the most innocent, simplistic brilliant way. 

Francie nestled in my arms as we sat on the lawn. She wanted to stay in my arms. Time stood still for a moment.

I looked at her and told her that I loved her with my whole heart.

She looked up and said ” and past the moon and stars?” 

“Oh, yes. past the moon and stars. I will love you forever and always”

She hugged me again.

I told her there was something I wanted to ask her. She sat up, smiled and looked at me. I asked if she would help me send off some balloons to heaven next month for mum. She was thinking long and hard. I  told her we would dress up, buy pretty balloons and tie notes to them and let them go to heaven.

“Will you help me, Francie?”

Yes. I will help. You know angels have wings. They can fly everywhere. ( she looked up at the sky, spread her arms as wide as they could go) She can be everywhere like magic.

“oh francie, that is beautiful. I love that. Do you think Kaky can see us right now?” i said

We both looked up to the heavens. and together, we smiled with a confident “yes”

 at that moment I realized that she got it. She has an understanding far beyond her years and somewhere tucked in that darling little mind are memories I know she has of mum. 

and somewhere in her heart she understands my grief. SHE knows.

and I hope, somewhere in her four year old heart she always knows SHE CARRIED ME THROUGH THE STORM.

She saved me.

xoxoxoxo

  1. emmybelding posted this